Quora Answers: Why Did I Ignore All The Red Flags?

Why Did I Stay Knowing She Was A Narcissist?

Most likely, for the same reason I did.

Because the benefit of being in love was worth the risk that your instincts were wrong.

In the beginning, you had no idea what kind of hell was in store for you.

How could you have known?

Normal people simply don’t think about choosing a victim to fuck over in every possible way.

It would have been inconceivable to you that the person who mirrored your best traits was actually the devil in a red dress.

In hindsight, it’s much easier to recognize the warning signs you ignored.

Even if you suspected she was a Narcissist, you probably wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, especially if you cared deeply for her.

You were in love and warning signs weren’t really proof of anything.

Keep in mind that Narcissists create an attachment with their victims quickly during the lovebombing stage.

For her, it was a manufactured bond.

For you, it was real.

Once you’re emotionally invested in a relationship, it’s extremely hard to walk away.

You probably thought she could change and remained hopeful that things would be okay eventually.

Now you’re aware that Narcissists destroy lives and spirits.

Hopefully, you’ll be better able to acknowledge any warning signs that arise with any new relationship.

Just make sure not to ever ignore your instincts again.

With that said, I should warn you about the possibility of becoming too cautious.

There’s a fine line between wanting to protect your feelings and alienating someone who means you no harm.

After the hell I went through during my marriage to a Malignant Narcissist, I was terrified of getting hurt again.

Now I’m engaged to a wonderful man.

Ironically, I was suspicious of his motives for a long time for that very reason.

He seemed too wonderful, a real-life Prince Charming.

The problem was that I no longer believed in fairy tales, and he was just too good to be true.

Fortunately, he understood my fears.

He knew what I’d been through and was very patient with me.

But in all honesty, I gave him hell.

It’s very hard to open yourself up again after a narcissistic relationship.

Even if you want to trust your partner, seeds of doubt still grow.

You just have to learn to find the right balance between the past and the future.

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Narcissistic Victim Syndrome And CPTSD

Quora Answers: Is There A Formal Test/Assessment Procedure For Narcissistic Victim Syndrome?

When I began to heal after ending my 18-year marriage to a Malignant Narcissist, I sought help from a psychiatrist for my son and myself.

The doctor talked to us at length, both together and separately.

He explained that Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome isn’t recognized as an official diagnosis.

It is, however, a very real condition that is often accompanied by complex PTSD, which is a recognized diagnosis.

I had heard of PTSD, of course, but I knew nothing about CPTSD.

The difference is that PTSD is generally associated with trauma caused by a single event.

Complex PTSD is the result of long-term physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, and involves an additional set of symptoms.

Both my son and I were officially diagnosed with CPTSD, as well as suspected Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.

The psychiatrist prescribed anti-depressants and continued to see us on a monthly basis.

He also recommended therapy with a counselor specializing in treating Victims of Narcissistic Abuse.

The symptoms of PTSD and CPTSD are listed below.

I found them in an article from Healthline, written by Gary Gilles and Kelly Morrell, and medically reviewed by Dr. Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD, CRNP, ACRN, CPH.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is an anxiety disorder with the following symptoms:

  1. Reliving the traumatic experience, including having nightmares and flashbacks.
  2. Avoiding certain situations that serve as reminders of the traumatic event.
  3. Changes in beliefs about other people and yourself, including the inability to trust and feeling that the world is a dangerous place.
  4. Hyperarousal, including difficulty concentrating, insomnia, being easily startled, and feeling jittery or constantly on alert.
  5. Having physical symptoms with no underlying medical cause when reminded of the traumatic event, such as dizziness or nausea.

CPTSD includes the above symptoms, along with the following additional symptoms:

  1. Having uncontrollable feelings, such as pervasive sadness or explosive rage.
  2. A feeling of detachment from your body or emotions, called disassociation, that can include forgetting traumatic events.
  3. Feelings of extreme guilt or shame.
  4. Relationship difficulties, including avoiding people, feeling awkward around others, or quickly jumping into another abusive relationship.
  5. Preoccupation with the abusive relationship, including getting revenge on the abuser.
  6. Loss of religious faith and long-held beliefs, resulting in feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Read about the long-term effects of Narcissistic Abuse.

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What You Need To Know About Narcissists: Why Cartwheels In Bed & Circusworthy Stunts Won’t Matter

Quora Answers: What Are The Long-Term Effects Of Narcissistic Abuse?

Long-term exposure to Narcissistic Abuse can wreak havoc on victims long after leaving their abusers.

Along with the devastating effects of PTSD and C-PTSD, survivors are left with permanent changes to their brains.

In other words, repeated emotional trauma, over time, causes brain damage.

It shrinks the hippocampus and enlarges the amygdala.

The hippocampus is the part of your brain in charge of memory and learning.

The amygdala controls emotions like love, hate, fear, grief, guilt, shame, and envy.

It’s also responsible for heart rate, breathing, and the fight-or-flight mechanism.

Living in a constant state of fear causes the brain to produce more of a hormone called cortisol.

The hippocampus becomes impaired, while the amygdala is stimulated.

This results in victims focusing more on the negative emotions that they’re feeling.

At the same time, their ability to absorb new information is restricted.

Years after a toxic relationship has ended, painful memories can be triggered by subliminal hints, such as smells, sounds, and pictures.

Because the amygdala remembers the stressful events, victims are subjected to an unwanted walk down memory lane.

Changes in personality are another effect of Narcissistic Abuse.

Victims are left with eroded self-esteem, a lack of self-confidence, and an inability to make sound decisions.

Self-doubt and self-recriminations become a way of life, and inner joy and peace remain elusive.

It would be difficult to list all of the long-term effects of Narcissistic Abuse.

Some things just cannot be explained with words.

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What You Need To Know About Narcissists: Why Cartwheels In Bed & Circusworthy Stunts Won’t Matter

What’s The Value Of A Relationship With A Narcissist?

Quora Answers: I’m In A Long-Distance Relationship And I Think She’s A Narcissist. How Do I Stop Myself From Contacting Her?

I’m going to assume you’ve correctly identified her as a narcissist.

With that in mind, maybe you should look at it from the perspective of value.

What do you value most in life? What really matters to you?

What are you not willing to live without? What are you willing to give up?

Do you value your physical and mental health? What about your self-confidence and self-esteem?

Do you want to keep your sanity and sense of humor?

Do you cherish your family and friends?

Maybe you take pride in having a good reputation and excellent credit.

Or maybe you just bought your first home.

Did you work hard to build a successful business or career? I doubt you’d want to throw it all away.

Perhaps you have a new car that you really love?

Do you have children who adore you, and whom you treasure more than life itself?

The people, places, and things you value most are what you’re most likely to lose with a narcissist in your life.

Plan to give up everything you hold dear.

Or plan to give up the narcissist. It’s a choice only you can make.

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Quora Answers: Your Pain Is The Narcissist’s Pleasure

If You Cry In Front Of Your Narcissist, Does This Affect The Way They Treat You?

Does It Affect Them At All?

Oh, it affects them, alright. But probably not how you’d think. And definitely not the way a normal person would react.

My Malignant Narcissist ex-husband got off on making me cry. Literally.

Bringing me to tears was like the equivalent of discovering The Holy Grail.

He actually became sexually aroused when he was able to evoke such a reaction from me.

I’m not a crybaby, by any means, but when my anger or frustration pass a certain point, I cry.

I’m not talking about Poor Me tears. These are tears borne of a murderous rage.

Believe me, it’s not a pretty sight. My eyes become a really bright, almost unnatural-looking shade of green.

I practically turn into Medusa, so there’s no hiding my feelings. Granted, it takes a lot for me to get to that point.

Looking back at the abuse I endured, I’m surprised I didn’t cry more.

Narcissists get bored easily, so they intentionally create unbearable situations for their victims.

It’s entertaining for them to cause chaos, drama, and misery for others.

They push people past their breaking points in order to get an emotional reaction. Once a victim snaps, the narc sits back and enjoys the show.

My ex is twice my size, and when he hit me, it hurt. Really bad. But I wouldn’t cry.

So he’d step things up a bit. Maybe throw hot chili in my face. Or pour an entire Coke over my head.

If that didn’t work, he’d bend my fingers back far enough to break them. Or drag me around the house by my hair.

The point is, he was willing to do anything to make me cry. He wouldn’t stop until he achieved the desired result.

He had to break me. Break my spirit.

That was always his end goal, and he pursued it relentlessly. Not that he didn’t enjoy inflicting the pain. He most certainly did.

It was the icing on the cake. But it didn’t compare to the thrill he got from breaking my spirit.

To him, making me cry meant he’d succeeded in proving his superiority. It was his way of showing me that he was in control.

He controlled my tears. He controlled my emotions. He controlled me.

Ultimately, that’s what it’s all about for a Narcissist. Control. It’s what they live for.

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Quora Answers: Narcissists And Control

Are Narcissists Obsessed With You?

Narcissists aren’t obsessed with you.

They just make you think they are right from the beginning.

During the lovebombing stage, they seem to consume your entire life.

They want to be with you all the time.

And when they’re not with you, they keep in contact with you enough that they never leave your mind.

They appear to love and desire you so much that your empathetic nature responds in kind.

You begin to love and desire them.

You want to spend all your time with them.

Before you know it, you’ve become obsessed with them.

Which is what they wanted all along.

Narcissists aren’t obsessed with you. They’re obsessed with control.

The easiest way to control someone is to make them vulnerable.

Being in love makes a person vulnerable, and therefore, easier for the narcissist to control.

If you catch on to their lies and try to leave them, they know they’re losing control of you.

Once again, it’ll appear that they’re obsessed with you.

The obsession is with regaining control of you.

The harder it is to do, the more efforts they have to put forth, and the time it takes to achieve their goal, will create another type of obsession for the narcissist.

Again, it’s not with you.

But getting revenge on you.

For daring to leave them and take away their control.

The obsession for exacting revenge by destroying you will consume them.

They’ll go to great lengths to achieve their goal.

And be relentless in seeking your demise.

It’ll definitely appear throughout your relationship with a narcissist that they’re obsessed with you.

But it’s never the person.

The obsession will always be with control. Who they control is just logistics.

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