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Quora Answers: Narcissistic Behaviors


 


 Why Do Narcissists Constantly Talk About Their Exes?


The reason a narcissist constantly talks about their exes is because they are choreographing your present and future behavior.

A narcissist conditions his sources in various ways by using his or her ex as an example of what not to do.

They use indirect persuasion by seeming to flatter their target with words like:

“My ex used to get so jealous of my guy friends. I’m so glad you aren’t like that.”

“My ex didn’t like for me to go anywhere with my friends, not even hunting. But you know how much hunting means to me. And you don’t mind if I go. In fact, you encourage me to go! You’re the best!!’

“My ex got fat after we got married. She just let herself go, and didn’t care about trying to impress me anymore. But you’re so slim and fit!! I absolutely love your body. I never get tired of it.”

These are just a few examples of what is easily mistaken as flattery.

Remember, at the beginning of the relationship you weren’t suspicious of this person.

You had no reason to suspect a hidden motive.

Far from being flattery, these are actually commands.

Ways to make you conform to their idea of an ideal partner.

Because you will now try to meet these demands.

You’ll go to great lengths not to show that you’re hurt when he disappears for 3 days, “hunting” with his friends.

Or you don’t complain when she goes to lunch with her guy friends every day.

And you constantly stay on a diet and work out every day to maintain your figure.

You do these things because you don’t want to be like the ex.

You weren’t aware of the subtle way the narcissist threatened to leave you if you became like the ex.

But your subconscious picked it up.

So you make herculean efforts to be sure the narcissist doesn’t leave you too.

And you act the way you were conditioned by the narc to act.

 


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Originally Answered By Serena Prince On Quora.

 


 


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Quora Answers: The Aftermath Of Narcissistic Abuse



Is It Normal To Feel Like You Were Used And Violated After Coming Off A Long Relationship With A Narcissist?


It’s very normal to feel like you were used and violated after coming off a long relationship with a narcissist.

Because you were, in fact, used and violated.

It started at the beginning and continued throughout the relationship.

Given another chance, the narcissist will do it to you again.

The reason narcissists get into long relationships is to have a regular source of supply to use, exploit, violate, and ultimately try to destroy.

The violations during the lovebombing stage don’t readily become apparent to victims.

But that’s exactly what’s happening when the narcissist tricks someone into falling in love with a manufactured persona.

They convince you that you’ve met your soulmate.

And that they’ll always be true and faithful, although that is never really their intention.

Once the devaluation stage is underway, the violations become more extreme.

One of the most painful violations come when they discard their partner in the cruelest way possible.

It’s probably safe to say that every single victim of a narcissist feels used and violated after a relationship ends.

And that it’s completely normal to feel that way.


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Quora Answers: Narcissistic Relationships



Why Did I Ignore The Signs That He Was A Narcissist And Get Into A Relationship With Him Anyway?


Most likely, for the same reason I did.

You probably had no idea what kind of hell was in store for you.

How could you have known?

Normal people simply don’t think about choosing a victim to fuck over in every possible way.

It would have been inconceivable to you in the beginning that the person who mirrored your best traits was actually the devil in disguise.

In hindsight, I can recall warning signs that I ignored.

But I used to try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Especially if I cared deeply for them.

Narcissists create an attachment with their victims quickly during the lovebombing stage.

For them, it’s a manufactured bond.

For you and me, it was real.

We were in love and warning signs weren’t really proof of anything.

Or so we told ourselves.

Most likely you ignored your instincts because the benefit of being in love was worth the risk that your gut was wrong.

Every single person who became entangled with a narcissist did the same thing.

Now you are aware that narcissists destroy lives and spirits.

Hopefully you will be better able to acknowledge any warning signs that arise with any new relationship.

Just make sure not to ever ignore your instincts again.

With that said, I should warn you about the possibility of becoming too cautious.

There’s a fine line between wanting to protect your feelings and alienating someone who means you no harm.

After all the hell I had been through during my marriage to a Malignant Narcissist, I was terrified of getting hurt again.

I’m now engaged to a wonderful man. Ironically, I was suspicious of his motives for a long time. Because he seemed to me to be too wonderful.

A real-life Prince Charming.

The problem for me was that I no longer believed in fairy tales. And he was just too good to be true.

Fortunately, he understood my fears. He knew what I’d been through and was very patient with me.

But in all honesty, I gave him hell.

It’s very hard to open yourself up again after a narcissistic relationship.

Even if you want to trust your partner, seeds of doubt still grow.

You just have to learn to find the right balance between the past and the future.


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Quora Answers: Devaluation




Does A Narcissist Enjoy When They Start To Devalue A Partner Because It Makes Them Feel Less Vulnerable?


Absolutely. A narcissist definitely enjoys devaluing their partner.

Whether it’s because it makes them feel less vulnerable or simply because they’re sadistic assholes depends on their mood at the time, I suppose.

They had to work during the lovebombing stage. The devaluation is when they get to have fun.

Almost everything a narcissist does is to make them feel less vulnerable.

It’s ingrained in their subconscious.

It’s why they lie about who they are, how they truly feel, and everything else that spews from their mouths.

I was married to a Malignant Narcissist for 18 years.

It became painfully obvious to me toward the end of our marriage that he loved to cause me pain.

Whether it was from his words or physical blows.

He took sadistic pleasure in creating confusion and chaos in my mind.

He wanted me to think I was the crazy one. After all, he had gone to a lot of effort to make it seem that way to our friends and family.

He wasn’t about to stop with other people, though.

He had to convince me too.

And he came very close to succeeding.

When he no longer hid his contempt and hatred from me, I was blindsided by the intensity of his resentment.

He would look at me with such an evil expression on his face.

And his eyes seemed to dance with glee when he told me I should do the world a favor and just kill myself.

Narcissists are forced to endure the lovebombing stage, which requires patience and effort on their part.

They do it because they know they’ll get to tear their victims down during the devaluation phase, one of their favorite pastimes.


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Quora Answers: Explanation Of Narcissism Phrases



What Do The Terms “Hoovering,” “Flying Monkeys,” Etc. Mean When Talking About Narcissistic Behaviors?


“Hoovering” refers to the narcissist’s ability to suck the victim back into the abusive relationship after being previously discarded.

It’s so named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner.

A “flying monkey” is someone who serves as a proxy for the narcissist. In order to abuse the victim on his behalf.

In “The Wizard Of Oz” the flying monkeys were used by The Wicked Witch to abuse Dorothy.

“Mind-fuckery” is exactly what it sounds like. But it’s not always easy to recognize.

For example, you have questions. And you really need satisfactory answers, in order to ease your mind.

Because the answers you were given don’t make sense to your logical way of thinking.

So you ask for clarification. But only end up more confused.

You’re made to feel somewhat ridiculous for not blindly believing everything you’re told.

Then your empathy is manipulated further because suddenly you’ve hurt their feelings.

And now it all becomes about how badly they feel.

How much you hurt them.

So you must not really love them. Or you wouldn’t be asking these things.

What has happened is the focus (your need for logical answers) has shifted.

And you end up trying to reassure them that your love and loyalty are real. And you never get the answers you needed.

Because your mind was fucked into pushing your own needs aside to placate the manipulator.

“Love-bombing” is a term used in the beginning of a narcissistic relationship.

It’s also known as the “idealization” stage.

This is when the narcissist convinces the victim that they are soulmates.

They mirror the victim’s hopes, dreams, and insecurities to quickly form a bond.

They’ll appear to be the perfect partner because they have so much in common with the victim.

By showering their partner with compliments, attention, and professions of love, the victim quickly becomes dependent on the narcissist’s approval.

Once this happens, and the predator is convinced he “has” the victim, the second stage in a narcissistic relationship begins.

It’s commonly referred to as “devaluation.”

During this phase, the narcissist suddenly becomes extremely critical of the victim.

Everything he claimed to love about her during idealization now angers or annoys him.

Gradually things get worse and the narcissist is both outwardly and covertly abusing his victim.

“Crazy-making” and “gaslighting” are techniques employed by the narcissist at this point.

These terms are used to describe the narcissist’s ability to completely ignore evidence of wrongdoing on his part.

For example, the narcissist slaps his partner across the face.

When she reacts, he calls her crazy. And boldly denies ever laying a hand on her.

If she continues to protest, he starts accusing her of slapping him.

Narcissists want to distort their victim’s reality. So they will begin to question their own sanity.

So they dismiss the obvious evidence. And accuse the victim of being too sensitive or paranoid.

Eventually the victim’s sense of reality becomes distorted. And she doesn’t trust her own instincts.

The final stage in a narcissistic relationship is the “discard.”

This is when the narcissist abruptly ends the relationship.

Usually without any warning to the victim.

This is done in order to maximize the victim’s pain and confusion.

The more devastated the victim, the more powerful the narcissist feels.

As he moves on to his next source and repeats the cycle.



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Quora Answers: Autism Spectrum Disorder


Colton and me, before the darkness.

Do Children With Autism Really Live In Their Own World?


My son certainly lives in his own world.

He is co-morbid, meaning he was diagnosed with more than one disorder.

He has Asperger’s, bipolar disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, a sleeping disorder, and an anxiety disorder.

He was also recently diagnosed with Complex-PTSD from Narcissistic Abuse, thanks to his father, my Malignant Narc ex-husband.

His world is unique to him, of course.

He just turned 14, but remains emotionally immature, like that of a much younger child.

In some ways, though, he seems to have a very old soul.

He’s also a genius.

He was tested at school. The school board psychologist told me at an IEP (Individualized Education Program) meeting that my son was smarter than anybody in that room.

That none of us could even begin to comprehend his level of intelligence.

Being so intelligent, as well as an Aspy, makes it hard for him to make friends.

People have trouble relating to him. And he has trouble relating to other people.

So, he stays to himself.

He prefers to confine himself to his bedroom, where he can battle his demons his own way.

He also talks to himself almost constantly.

To be sure, he talks to whatever his imagination has conjured up.

And he plays a lot of video games.

He also keeps his room dark now, something that he started doing about two years ago.

That’s also when I started to suspect that he’d been sexually abused.

Since then, he has retreated more and more into his own world.

A world that I’m not allowed to enter. A world that no one is allowed to enter.

He calls it The Dark Abyss.


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Quora Answers: Narcissistic Behaviors



Why Do Narcissists Call And Say I Love You After They Discarded You?


After a Narcissist has discarded you, they will often call you or stop by for a visit with one goal in mind.

They want to suck you back into the nightmare of abuse.

Because it’s fun for them.

Narcissists become bored very quickly. So they seek entertainment for themselves at their victims’ expense.

By stringing you along with words of love and affection, they can tease you with hopes of reconciliation.

They will make you think that not only do they now realize how much you meant to them, but that another try at the relationship will be different.

Make no mistake. Things will only be better for a short time, and even that is just an illusion.

Whether you know it or not, they still have their other sources of supply.

Even during the renewed love-bombing phase. Though they’ll never admit it.

If you allow the narcissist another chance to torment you, it will be much worse than the previous time.

Because they now have your permission to abuse you again.

They see your forgiveness of their bad behavior as acceptance of their abuse.

And they’ll relish in causing you as much pain as possible.

Please don’t fall for it.

Narcissists don’t change. They do not magically transform into good and loving people.

If he’s telling you he loves you, he’s telling you he loves to use and abuse you.

I urge you to avoid any contact or communication with your tormentor.

Even if you are still dependent on him financially, find a way to have support payments directly deposited into your bank account.

You will never be able to heal as long as he has access to your emotions.

That’s what he’s counting on. He doesn’t want you to heal.

It’s too much fun for him to continue to hurt you.


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Quora Answers: Narcissistic Abuse



What Are Some Tricks Performed By Narcissists That People Don’t Know?


There are so many tricks performed by narcissists that people don’t know. It’s hard to narrow it down to fit into one post.

Narcissists love to use covert abuse to cause victims to question their own sanity.

The ways in which narcissists use sabotage are so incomprehensible that victims are hesitant to tell people.

For one thing, it’s hard for us to believe it. And it happened to us.

Trying to explain it is even harder.

I won’t go into the Narcissist’s motives for doing the shit they do.

Truth is, I only know it was to cause me as much pain, suffering, and detriment as possible.

My Malignant Narcissist ex-husband had a nasty habit of destroying my iPhones, iPads, and computers when he was in a rage.

At the time I thought he was reacting violently on the spur-of-the-moment.

Little did I know that he was intentionally causing major conflict.

So that when he destroyed a device intentionally, I would blame it on his “Anger Management Problem.”

It seemed like every time he did that insane shit, shattered screen glass went everywhere.

He never cleaned it up himself. And I always got multiple cuts from glass slivers when I picked it up.

I began to have shards of glass go through my shoes when walking through the house.

Even after I had cleaned up all signs of it.

The sorry bastard was saving broken screen glass. And then making sure to put it where I would step on it.

Multiple times.

One night a large chunk of glass got stuck in my foot. My loving husband offered to get it out for me.

He acted so nice and concerned,trying to be helpful.

I never saw what was coming.

He was using a needle and a pair of tweezers. But instead of extracting the piece, he shoved it into my foot even deeper.

Then he smiled at me, innocently. And said he was so sorry.

His hand must have accidentally slipped.


Things went from bad to worse. And the gaslighting intensified.

Glasses and plates started to disappear. But most of the time, he hid the fact that he was breaking things.

So I wouldn’t be expecting to step on glass.

I began to avoid walking barefoot through the house. And was always careful to wear thick-soled shoes.

Until he started putting glass shards and fragments directly under the insoles of my shoes.

Then my shoes started to disappear.

Only to reappear days later.

That’s when I started to question my own sanity.

Which is exactly what he wanted.



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Quora Answers: Narcissistic Personality Disorder



How Can I Tell If I’m A Narcissist? How Can I Tell If My Significant Other Is A Narcissist?



If you’re concerned that you may be a narcissist, then you’re probably not.

Narcissists don’t self-reflect.

The only reason a narcissist might ask this question is to use the knowledge against his partner to convince her that she’s the one with the problem.

A narcissist will never admit to wrongdoing, even if you catch them red-handed.

They always play the victim. Always.

Their words and actions don’t match.

And their stories don’t add up.

They are compulsive liars and cheaters.

But will convince you that they’re completely faithful and honest.

In relationships, narcissists always follow a pattern of behavior that involves three stages:

1.) Idealization, which is also referred to as love-bombing;

2.) Devaluation; and

3.) Discard.

Most narcissists are never diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) because they don’t seek treatment.

They don’t think anything is wrong with them.

However, in order for someone to be considered as having NPD, they must meet 5 of these 9 criteria:

1.) An inflated sense of self-importance or grandiose behavior;

2.) Fantasies about being wealthy, famous, or influential;

3.) Exaggerating their abilities and accomplishments;

4.) Craving admiration and praise;

5.) Preoccupied with beauty, love, power, or success;

6.) Exaggerated sense of entitlement;

7.) Believes themselves to be unique or special;

8.) Exploits others for their own benefit or entertainment;

9.) Lacking empathy.


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Quora Answers: The Narcissist And The Golden Child



Why Does The Covert Narcissistic Parent Allow The Golden Child To Abuse His Siblings?


Because he’s grooming the golden child to be just like himself.

Narcissists think they’re superior to everyone else.

He thinks he’s doing the child a favor by teaching him to abuse and exploit others.

My ex-husband, a Malignant Narc, used to encourage our son to be abusive to me.

He would tell him that stupid people like me needed to be hit to make us act right.

He also encouraged him to abuse my dog. He said the dog and I were on the same level mentally.

If the narcissistic parent is allowing the golden child to abuse the other siblings, there’s probably a lot more going on that you’re not aware of.

Things that you would never imagine to be possible.

They don’t just stop at teaching them to abuse others.

He may be teaching him his own sexual perversions, as well.

I’m only bringing this up to warn you. I certainly wish I had been warned.

My ex forced our autistic son to watch torture porn, gay porn, and God knows what else.

He also sexually abused him.

When our son started calling his dad out on his lies and bad behaviors, he quickly went from golden child to mortal enemy.

Narcissists don’t love their kids.

Not even the golden child.

In closing, I should mention that the golden child is doomed to either become a narcissist himself.

Or to become a victim.

Unless you intervene.

At this point, you are the only hope that child has of escaping a lifetime of misery.

Please step up and do whatever is necessary to save your child.


Originally Answered On Quora.

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