Quora Answers: Gray Rock Or No Contact?

Is It Better To Ignore The Narcissist Or Use The Gray Rock Method? Or Is That Essentially The Same Thing?

If your intention is to heal from the emotional abuse you suffered at the hands of a narcissist, the absolute most effective method is No Contact.

Going completely without any communication or interaction is the only way you’ll ever successfully recover.

If you share a child with a narcissist, it may be more difficult to be 100% incommunicado due to custody issues.

However, if the narcissist is abusive or apathetic to the child, grab your baby and make your escape.

Then run for freedom as fast as you can.

When you still live with the narcissist, obviously No Contact isn’t possible.

Sometimes circumstances force you to maintain limited contact with the narcissist.

The gray rock method is intended for those situations.

It’s not meant as a method to heal from the abuse.

The intention is to prevent further abuse.

The strategy with gray rock is to avoid emotional responses when the narcissist tries to provoke you.

The thrill for him, and the reason for the provocation, is his own entertainment.

Narcissists thrive on eliciting emotions from their victims.

Creating chaos and drama for others is great fun to them.

It’s one of the ways they get narcissistic supply.

The attention they seek doesn’t need to be from positive and loving emotional responses.

Negative reactions from others are especially exciting for them.

The theory with gray rock is not to give any emotional reaction.

And therefore, to be as boring as a gray rock to the narcissist.

Supposedly, if you no longer provide fuel, the narc will go elsewhere to obtain narcissistic supply.

I personally don’t think gray rock is effective.

And don’t recommend it.


When I tried it with my Malignant Narcissist Ex-husband, it backfired on me.

But in the interest of giving you a thorough answer, I wanted to at least give you an explanation of the method.

Now you know your options.

For your sake, I hope you choose No Contact.

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Originally Answered On Quora.

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Quora Answers: No Contact

What Is The Best Method To Deal With An Abusive Narcissistic Ex Who Won’t Let Go And Is Making Credible Threats? i.e. “I’ll destroy you,” “I’ll bankrupt you.”

No Contact is pretty much your only choice. And I don’t mean simply ending all communication with the narcissist, though that’s definitely got to happen.

I’m talking about moving somewhere that he can’t find you. Blocking him on social media, getting a private phone number. Changing people, places, and things, to name a few.

Also, make sure you don’t let hin know about your plans in advance.

My Malignant Narcissist ex-husband made similar threats when I told him I wanted a divorce. By telling him ahead of time, I set myself up for a nightmare.

When I tried to leave, he sabotaged my car so that it wasn’t drivable. He took every form of communication from me and wouldn’t let me out of his sight. Not even to go to the bathroom.

That went on for months. I had no contact with the outside world, and he tortured me mentally, physically, and emotionally.

He also tried to kill me. When I was finally able to escape, I took my son and we left with nothing but the clothes on our backs. I told no one where we were going because I didn’t even know myself at first.

I quickly found out that he had stolen my identity and forged documents in order to destroy me financially. Everything that he had threatened to do, and then some, came to pass.

But I was alive.

The point I’m trying to make is that you should never take an abusive narcissist’s threats lightly. Never underestimate the lengths they’ll go to in order to destroy you.

For your own safety, going No Contact and changing everything possible is by far your best bet.

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Quora Answers: How Important Is No Contact With A Narcissist?

Is Your Narcissist Still Seeking Your Supply Or Causing You Problems? Was No Contact Effective In Your Situation?

When I finally escaped from my 18-year marriage to a Malignant Narcissist, there was one strategy written in stone.

I was to have absolutely no contact or communication with him, period.

First and foremost, I had to consider the safety of my son and myself. My husband was horribly abusive in every possible way. I was under no illusions about his propensity for causing physical injury.

I also knew that I was an emotional wreck at the time, as was my son. And that our emotions would be very raw for a while. I knew that I would have weak moments, and be tempted to call my husband.

I knew that my mind would play tricks on me and try to convince me that things hadn’t been that bad. I knew these things because I’d been there before.

I failed to maintain No Contact more than once. And each failure had resulted in the Narc’s escalation of abuse.

I tried many times to flee the marriage over the years. I even managed to maintain No Contact for eleven months before.

I had pressed charges against him, so he was required to wear a GPS device to monitor his whereabouts during that time.

I was almost home-free.

Or so I had believed. And should have been . . .

But I fucked up.

To say getting that far had been difficult is an understatement. It was damn-near impossible at times. And I threw it all away in a moment of weakness.

I called him. Don’t ask me why. Because I don’t know. It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. And it almost cost my life.

The mistake?

Besides calling him in the first place? I believed him when he said he was a changed man. And that he’d learned his lesson.

We reconciled, and things were good for a couple of weeks. Just enough time for me to feel a false sense of security. That illusion was shattered in an instant.

One day, completely out of nowhere, a blow to my head sent me reeling.

The mask was off again. And he made no effort to put it back on. What followed was my indoctrination into a new level of hell.

One that I hadn’t known existed. I thought I’d already seen the worst from him.
I was wrong. He was sadistic and cruel, with unique methods of torture.

Finally, after several miserable months, my son and I were able to escape. With nothing but the clothes on our backs.

Our first stop was the police station to press charges against my husband. And to seek an Order of Protection.

Arrest warrants were issued, and I was granted a protective order. Still, he evaded law enforcement for months.

My son and I moved from hotel to hotel, trying to keep our whereabouts unknown. Four months later, we thought it was safe to get a more permanent place. We moved into an apartment in a gated community, and prepared to start over.

Although I had maintained No Contact, and told nobody our whereabouts, my husband eventually found us. Fortunately, my son and I had a safety plan.

While my husband was focused on getting revenge on me, our son was able to get help. The calvary arrived in the form of deputies, and the narc was taken into custody.

I used to think the only purpose of No Contact was for safety reasons. But I learned it’s beneficial in other ways too. Without it, my son and I had no chance of severing the trauma bond we had with the Narc.

By maintaining No Contact, we slowly began to heal. To my way of thinking, that definitely qualifies as a success.

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Is It Okay To Stay In Contact With A Narcissist Just To Know What They’re Thinking, As Long As You Know What They’re About?

It’s a really bad idea to stay in contact with a narcissist, period.

And as far as wanting to know what they’re thinking, that’s not a realistic option, either.

You’ll never know what a narcissist is thinking.

Because they’ll never tell you the truth.

You’ll be lied to and manipulated without even realizing what’s happening.

And if you do realize you’re being toyed with, I have to seriously question why you would be willing to subject yourself to that kind of guaranteed torment.

If you’re truly aware of what a narcissist is about, for the life of me, I can’t fathom why you would want to remain in contact with this person.

If you still love the narcissist, you’re only going to open yourself up to more pain.

And if you’re not in love, what could possibly be your motivation for wanting to continue to communicate with someone whose only goal in life is to cause chaos and misery in the lives of everyone around them?

I hope you’ll choose to avoid all narcissists at all costs.

You’ll never find a friend, soulmate, or trustworthy human being in a narcissist.

Obviously, the choice is yours to make.

I can only warn you against remaining in contact with any narcissist.

I do hope you’ll heed my advice, and anyone else’s advice who answers this question.

You’d be hard-pressed to find anyone on Quora who will say otherwise.

Originally Answered On Quora By Serena Prince.

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What Is The Chance The Narcissistic Ex Will Move On After Being Released From Jail?

If the past predicts the future, the likelihood of my Malignant Narcissist ex moving on after being released from jail is slim to none.

Of course, the circumstances in my case may be different from yours. For one thing, he blames me for his most recent incarceration. I pressed charges against him after he cracked my skull and injured our autistic son.

As is typical of a narcissist, he considered himself blameless. In his mind, I provoked him into the rage that caused him to lash out. It wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been such a bitch.

But it did happen. And I did press charges again. The first time he was incarcerated was in 2016 after being charged with Aggravated Assault with a Deadly Weapon.

He had forced me at gunpoint into the backseat of my own vehicle. He also had a large machete that he informed me he was going to use to cut up my body after he blew my head off. I believe he would have done it if he hadn’t realized that he would get caught.

After that incident and his subsequent arrest, I didn’t see or speak to him for 11 months. Stupidly, I broke down and called him. Within hours of making the call, we reconciled, and I believed every lie and excuse he had. For about two weeks.

Once the mask was off again, my life turned into a horror movie. The reason he was so quick to reconcile was because he’d spent the past 11 months planning his revenge on me. And he stopped at nothing to ensure he got what he wanted.

Eventually I escaped again. I had learned a painful lesson and knew I had to follow the No Contact rule religiously. Which I did.

Although warrants for his arrest had been issued, he evaded police for months. The whole time he looked for me. When he found me, my life flashed before my eyes. Obviously I survived, albeit not unscathed.

My son was able to get help and the narc was finally arrested again. He spent a few months in jail and later pleaded guilty to a reduced charge in order to avoid further incarceration. I was given no say so in the matter.

Because he’s walking around freely again, I definitely have concerns that he’ll try to finish what he started. It’s almost guaranteed to happen due to the fact that narcissists can’t stand to lose. Normal people would learn from the past. Narcissists don’t.

In his mind, he is intelligent enough to get away with murder. He just needed to tweak his plan in order to succeed. I’m not going to give him the opportunity and will be moving far away in a few weeks.

My advice to you is look at your narc’s past behavior to find the answer to whether or not he’ll return after being released. Then stop at nothing to ensure your safety.

Originally Answered by Serena Prince on Quora.


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