Quora Answers: The Malicious Narcissist

What Are Some Of The Most Calculated, Malicious Set-Ups You Endured While With A Narcissist?

There are two especially diabolical set ups that stand out for me.

One was intended to kill me. The other was meant to put me in prison for solicitation of capital murder.

Both were terrifying.

I know now that my ex-husband is a Malignant Narcissist, who was very skilled at gaslighting and mind-fuckery.

Toward the end of our marriage, I just thought he was crazy. I had also started to think my own sanity was questionable.

One morning after a nasty argument, the narc stormed out of the house in anger.

I was relieved that he was gone and began putting clothes in the dryer.

Although I couldn’t put my finger on it, something seemed different about the laundry room.

There was nothing glaringly obvious, but an uncomfortable sense of foreboding came over me.

I looked around the room and noticed small wood particles, dirt, and bits of gravel on the floor.

It wasn’t much, but it hadn’t been there the day before. I decided to forget about it and went back to doing the laundry.

As I pulled the lint filter from the dryer, I was shocked to find it stuffed full of lint, gravel, dirt, and paper.

I looked behind the dryer and almost came unglued.

The part of the wall where the dryer connection had been was now solid wall.

No plug. No vent hose. Just a solid wall.

About that time, I heard my son yelling from the kitchen.

He had accidentally bumped into the wall with the pantry door, causing a gaping hole.

Dust and sheet rock were crumbling out of the hole in the wall, making a huge mess.

Upon further inspection, we saw that the hole was more like a tunnel.

Inside was vent tubing from the dryer and an electrical socket.

A long extension cord was plugged into it.

The sudden realization that my husband was trying to cause a fire was like a slap in the face.

My son and I looked around the house for other changes, and our shock intensified.

The doors had been nailed shut and would’ve been impossible to open in the event of a fire.

The only exception was the door in the laundry room.

It wasn’t nailed shut, but my key no longer fit the bolt lock.

I didn’t need to see anything else.

Calling the police would have been pointless. I’d tried that before and had been accused of being on drugs.

I gathered up a few things and my son and I went to a hotel.

The next day I had an electrician meet me at my house.

When we went inside, everything had been returned to normal.

The potential prison sentence was the result of the narc and a flying monkey filing a police report alleging that I was looking for a hit man.

They claimed I’d offered to pay the flying monkey to kill my husband.

Unknown to me at the time, the sheriff’s office began an investigation to substantiate the allegations.

After a thorough investigation, the detectives concluded that it was actually my husband who was trying to have me killed.

For reasons I don’t understand, no charges were filed against him.

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Quora Answers: Why Did I Ignore All The Red Flags?

Why Did I Stay Knowing She Was A Narcissist?

Most likely, for the same reason I did.

Because the benefit of being in love was worth the risk that your instincts were wrong.

In the beginning, you had no idea what kind of hell was in store for you.

How could you have known?

Normal people simply don’t think about choosing a victim to fuck over in every possible way.

It would have been inconceivable to you that the person who mirrored your best traits was actually the devil in a red dress.

In hindsight, it’s much easier to recognize the warning signs you ignored.

Even if you suspected she was a Narcissist, you probably wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, especially if you cared deeply for her.

You were in love and warning signs weren’t really proof of anything.

Keep in mind that Narcissists create an attachment with their victims quickly during the lovebombing stage.

For her, it was a manufactured bond.

For you, it was real.

Once you’re emotionally invested in a relationship, it’s extremely hard to walk away.

You probably thought she could change and remained hopeful that things would be okay eventually.

Now you’re aware that Narcissists destroy lives and spirits.

Hopefully, you’ll be better able to acknowledge any warning signs that arise with any new relationship.

Just make sure not to ever ignore your instincts again.

With that said, I should warn you about the possibility of becoming too cautious.

There’s a fine line between wanting to protect your feelings and alienating someone who means you no harm.

After the hell I went through during my marriage to a Malignant Narcissist, I was terrified of getting hurt again.

Now I’m engaged to a wonderful man.

Ironically, I was suspicious of his motives for a long time for that very reason.

He seemed too wonderful, a real-life Prince Charming.

The problem was that I no longer believed in fairy tales, and he was just too good to be true.

Fortunately, he understood my fears.

He knew what I’d been through and was very patient with me.

But in all honesty, I gave him hell.

It’s very hard to open yourself up again after a narcissistic relationship.

Even if you want to trust your partner, seeds of doubt still grow.

You just have to learn to find the right balance between the past and the future.

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Narcissistic Victim Syndrome And CPTSD

Quora Answers: Is There A Formal Test/Assessment Procedure For Narcissistic Victim Syndrome?

When I began to heal after ending my 18-year marriage to a Malignant Narcissist, I sought help from a psychiatrist for my son and myself.

The doctor talked to us at length, both together and separately.

He explained that Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome isn’t recognized as an official diagnosis.

It is, however, a very real condition that is often accompanied by complex PTSD, which is a recognized diagnosis.

I had heard of PTSD, of course, but I knew nothing about CPTSD.

The difference is that PTSD is generally associated with trauma caused by a single event.

Complex PTSD is the result of long-term physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, and involves an additional set of symptoms.

Both my son and I were officially diagnosed with CPTSD, as well as suspected Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.

The psychiatrist prescribed anti-depressants and continued to see us on a monthly basis.

He also recommended therapy with a counselor specializing in treating Victims of Narcissistic Abuse.

The symptoms of PTSD and CPTSD are listed below.

I found them in an article from Healthline, written by Gary Gilles and Kelly Morrell, and medically reviewed by Dr. Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD, CRNP, ACRN, CPH.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is an anxiety disorder with the following symptoms:

  1. Reliving the traumatic experience, including having nightmares and flashbacks.
  2. Avoiding certain situations that serve as reminders of the traumatic event.
  3. Changes in beliefs about other people and yourself, including the inability to trust and feeling that the world is a dangerous place.
  4. Hyperarousal, including difficulty concentrating, insomnia, being easily startled, and feeling jittery or constantly on alert.
  5. Having physical symptoms with no underlying medical cause when reminded of the traumatic event, such as dizziness or nausea.

CPTSD includes the above symptoms, along with the following additional symptoms:

  1. Having uncontrollable feelings, such as pervasive sadness or explosive rage.
  2. A feeling of detachment from your body or emotions, called disassociation, that can include forgetting traumatic events.
  3. Feelings of extreme guilt or shame.
  4. Relationship difficulties, including avoiding people, feeling awkward around others, or quickly jumping into another abusive relationship.
  5. Preoccupation with the abusive relationship, including getting revenge on the abuser.
  6. Loss of religious faith and long-held beliefs, resulting in feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Read about the long-term effects of Narcissistic Abuse.

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Flying Monkey, Narcissist, Or Another Victim?

Quora Answers: Do Flying Monkeys Pretend To Take Your Side?
She Admits He’s Abusive And Complains About Him. Then She Turns Around And Shows Me Posts About How Much He Loves His New GF.

Flying monkeys will definitely pretend to take your side when they’re trying to manipulate you on behalf of the Narcissist.

However, I’m not so sure that’s the case here. Two possible scenarios come to mind.

One is that she’s also a Narcissist, and is enjoying herself at your expense.

It could be a version of the mean-sweet cycle in toxic romantic relationships. She pretends to be a sympathetic friend one minute.

Then she intentionally causes you pain by showing you posts about his new girlfriend.

Think of the devaluation and gaslighting techniques of the Narcissist.

Another possibility is that she’s having an affair with him.

I don’t know the nature of your friendship with this person. Is she a long-time friend to you?

Has she displayed this type of behavior before?

If you were friends and it is an affair, she may be having mixed feelings.

One minute, she could be dealing with guilt that comes with betrayal.

The next minute, she may be jealous because the Narcissist is triangulating the two of you.

If she’s a victim of the Narcissist as well, she would certainly have unstable emotions.

This is the kind of cruelty Narcissists find so entertaining.

He gets to feel powerful while continuing to cause you misery.

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Quora Answers: What Are The Long-Term Effects Of Narcissistic Abuse?

Long-term exposure to Narcissistic Abuse can wreak havoc on victims long after leaving their abusers.

Along with the devastating effects of PTSD and C-PTSD, survivors are left with permanent changes to their brains.

In other words, repeated emotional trauma, over time, causes brain damage.

It shrinks the hippocampus and enlarges the amygdala.

The hippocampus is the part of your brain in charge of memory and learning.

The amygdala controls emotions like love, hate, fear, grief, guilt, shame, and envy.

It’s also responsible for heart rate, breathing, and the fight-or-flight mechanism.

Living in a constant state of fear causes the brain to produce more of a hormone called cortisol.

The hippocampus becomes impaired, while the amygdala is stimulated.

This results in victims focusing more on the negative emotions that they’re feeling.

At the same time, their ability to absorb new information is restricted.

Years after a toxic relationship has ended, painful memories can be triggered by subliminal hints, such as smells, sounds, and pictures.

Because the amygdala remembers the stressful events, victims are subjected to an unwanted walk down memory lane.

Changes in personality are another effect of Narcissistic Abuse.

Victims are left with eroded self-esteem, a lack of self-confidence, and an inability to make sound decisions.

Self-doubt and self-recriminations become a way of life, and inner joy and peace remain elusive.

It would be difficult to list all of the long-term effects of Narcissistic Abuse.

Some things just cannot be explained with words.

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What’s It Like To Be The Child Of An INFJ?

Today my son told me that I’m weird. I was already aware of his opinion so it came as no surprise. I can’t say I disagree with him, either. I’ve always known I’m not like other people.

The biggest reason for that is probably because of my MBTI Personality Type. I’m an INFJ, which is an acronym for Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging. It’s pretty rare and accounts for only about 1-2% of the population.

My son is different too, but not for the same reason. Colton is fifteen. He’s also autistic with a genius I.Q. Ask him a question about any subject. He’ll give you as much information as a Google Search.

His official diagnosis is Asperger’s, which is a neurodevelopmental disability. He has trouble interacting with people and doesn’t understand social cues.

The bottom line? We don’t get out much. It suits us, though. We laugh a lot and have an amazingly close bond.

For some reason, there’s a lot of speculation about INFJ’s on the Internet. I’ve read posts that so accurately describe my personality, it’s mind-boggling.

Then there are those off-the-wall posts that seem to be talking about a mythical creature.

I only wish they were describing me. I’d be able to predict the future and make the world a better place all by myself.

There are plenty of misconceptions about people with my personality type. One is that we don’t anger easily. Wake me up by startling me out of a deep sleep and I’ll quickly put that silly notion to rest.

I’ll admit it’s kind of cool that there’s so much contemplation about what makes an INFJ tick. In reality, the myth is much more interesting.

Far be it from me to put a damper on anybody’s speculative fun. However, I figured I could at least offer a realistic view of some aspects of the INFJ personality.

A question I’ve been asked several times is what INFJ’s are like as parents. I figured Colton would be better able to answer that, so I asked him. His unique perspective proved to be very enlightening.

Some of the things he said really touched me and brought tears to my eyes. Although I expected to have to paraphrase his observations, he surprised me.

After our initial conversation, he got out his computer and typed it all up himself. These are his thoughts, in his own (unedited) words.

What It’s Really Like To Be An INFJ’s Kid

by Colton Henson

INFJ’s are weird. But then, so am I. As the child of an INFJ, you have to develop a tolerance for certain things. Otherwise, you might as well get someone else to adopt you.

For one thing, you have to understand their need for alone time and not take it personally. You have to learn to tolerate sarcastic remarks and the goofiest sense of humor ever.

Since INFJ’s have very high standards for themselves and their kids, it’s not easy to meet their expectations. You have to get used to being a high achiever or get used to disappointing them.

I’m glad my mom is an INFJ. I wouldn’t change that about her even if I could. They are definitely different, but not in a bad way. The good thing about my mom’s weirdness is that she understands mine. She totally gets me and my kind of insanity.

Alone Time Isn’t A Choice. It’s A Necessity.

INFJ’s are introverts even though they don’t act like it all the time. My mom can be really outgoing and seem like an extrovert. But inside, she is definitely an introvert. Being around other people drains her energy and she has to be alone to get it back.

I used to feel rejected when she insisted on being by herself. She wasn’t mean about it or anything like that.

She actually spends a lot of time with me and always has. But I wanted to be with her every minute when I was a little kid.

Now that I’m older and need my own alone time, I understand my mom a lot better.

If she doesn’t get enough solitude, she can’t think straight. She’ll go from being an articulate genius to a bumbling idiot right before your eyes. She also gets super bitchy.

I’ve learned to leave her alone when she’s like that. Nothing good will come from trying to talk to her. You wouldn’t be able to understand what she’s trying to say, anyway. Plus, she’s liable to bite your head completely off.

INFJ’s Know When You’re Lying.

Don’t even bother trying to lie to an INFJ. It never works. They seem to know what you’re going to say before you can get the words out. Then you just stand there feeling stupid while they stare at you with those intense eyes.

It’s like they can look right through you, directly into your soul, and read your mind. I used to think I could get away with lying to my mom, and I tried plenty of times. I finally gave up.

INFJ’s have a built-in lie detector that hardly ever fails. They may not say they know you’re lying. You may even walk away thinking they believed you. You will be wrong.

They probably won’t ever tell you, but they’re always going to remember your lies. There’s a file in their brains with mental notes of everything you ever tell them. You may forget what you said, but an INFJ won’t.

Terrifying Anger

INFJ’s are laidback people. They’re good-natured and don’t get mad easily. Everybody has a limit, though. INFJ’s are no different. What is different is how drastically they change when they do get past their limits.

I don’t mean just being a little aggravated or bitchy. What I’m talking about is the kind of anger that is freaking terrifying. It doesn’t happen very often, thank goodness. I’m fifteen and have only seen my mom that angry a few times.

I hope I never have to see it again. Trust me. You do not want to be there. The calm exterior transforms into a Medusa-like villain/warrior who’s about to turn you to stone. But first she’s going to rip your head off.

Strong And Fearless

INFJ’s are brave. They’re willing to take on Godzilla for something they believe in. They may not like confrontations, but they definitely aren’t scared of them.

My mom is a tiny little thing and surpringly strong. (I don’t know if that’s an INFJ characteristic or genetics.) She’s mentally tough and isn’t afraid of anything or anybody.

Life hasn’t been very kind to her. She’s overcome things that would break most people. I’ve seen her so down and depressed I thought she wouldn’t get back up. Then just like a Phoenix, she rose from the ashes, stronger than before.

No Tolerance For Intolerance

INFJ’s have strong principles and won’t hesitate to stand up for their beliefs. They want to help everybody and will go out of their way to do the right thing.

They despise injustice and look out for the underdog. My mom wants people to be nice to each other but knows that’s not always the case. She’s both an idealist and a realist.

People who are superficial, selfish, intolerant, etc. really aggravate her. She avoids them them like the plague. When she’s forced to deal with them, she’s as cold as ice.

INFJ’s Are Very Intelligent.

INFJ’s use both sides of their brain and their intelligence level is off the chain. Mom has a brain like a computer. She remembers everything she’s ever read and can break complicated codes. She can also do complex multiplication and long-form division in her head.

I’ve been told I have a large vocabulary ever since I was a little kid. That’s because of my mom. We’ve always talked a lot and she uses big words. Ask her the definition and correct spelling of any word and she knows it every time.

She has reading skills that are insane. She just looks at the words on a page and reads them instantly.

She’s always teaching herself new things and actually likes to learn. I’m not kidding. Learning is what an INFJ does for fun. Like I said, they’re weird.

A Wicked Sense Of Humor

INFJ’s have a very unique sense of humor. My mom is super funny and can be really sarcastic. She also has this really nerdy laugh that’s downright infectious. You can’t help but start laughing too.

She’ll say something that’s completely off-the-wall and crack you up without even trying to be funny. Tears will be running down your eyes and your stomach will hurt. It’s almost impossible to be in a bad mood when she’s around. That’s one of the reasons I probably won’t ever move out.

Loyal And Trustworthy

INFJ’s are extremely loyal, especially to people they love. They won’t betray you or turn their backs on you unless you do it first. Even then, they usually just walk away instead of retaliating.

I know I can count on my mom to be there, no matter what. She’s always got my back and there’s nobody else I’d rather have on my side.

She’s the only person in the entire world that I know for a fact will never betray me. It’s not just because she’s a mother. It’s more than that. It’s because of who she is on the inside.

Lots of mothers betray their kids or turn their backs on them. I can tell you, without any doubt, that my mom will never be one of them.

Brutal Honesty

Don’t ask an INFJ a question if you really don’t want an honest answer. I’m the one who supposedly doesn’t understand social cues because I have Asperger’s. But sometimes my mom says things to people that even shocks me.

INFJ’s always want people to be happy and don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings. They don’t like to lie either. So if you ask my mom a question, you’ll get an honest answer. Just don’t be surprised if it’s brutal.

People Love Them.

There’s something about an INFJ that is irresistible to most people. I’m not exaggerating. If a man talks to my mom, he’s going to be attracted to her.

I’ve seen both men and women fall in love with her almost on sight. It’s not just her physical beauty. Her personality is magnetic and she’s got a kind, gentle soul. People are drawn to her like moths to a flame.

I actually feel bad for her because she doesn’t like to hurt people’s feelings. She also doesn’t like to get hit on all the time. That’s another reason we don’t socialize much. Mom gets sick of people trying to get with her.

They Hit You With Words.

Since INFJ’s dislike conflict they take more crap than the average person. Somebody can say something to my mom that would piss me off. She mostly lets things go to avoid a confrontation. But like I said earlier, she has limits.

Eventually, she’ll get enough of someone talking crap. That’s when she brings out her weapon of choice, which is words. They never see it coming. She doesn’t yell or even raise her voice.

Without warning, they’re under attack. She’ll calmly say things that cut people like a knife through the heart. They’ll be wondering how she could possibly know that stuff since they haven’t even admitted it to themselves.

Their deepest shame and darkest secrets are suddenly getting thrown in their face with no mercy. My mom can bring a grown man to his knees, with tears in his eyes, if she’s pushed too far.

If it’s somebody she cares about, she’ll feel bad about it later. If it’s someone she doesn’t like, she won’t give it another thought.

INFJ’s Are Beautiful.

INFJ’s are beautiful inside and out. They’re loving souls with a remarkable spirit that makes them appear to be angels on earth. They aren’t like regular people.

My mom is the best at everything she sets out to do. She’s kind-hearted with an inner light that shines super bright. I love hanging out with her when she’s not stressed out. I’ve never felt such peace around anybody else.

Being around an INFJ has a calming effect on people, unless they’re evil. Mean people sense a different side and feel uncomfortable around them. If you get to spend time with them, it’ll be an experience you won’t forget.

Knowing Things Without Knowing How

Since they have Introverted Intuition, INFJ’s get feelings out of the blue about all kinds of things. It may be about somebody or something that’s going to happen. Whatever it happens to be just pops into their head all of a sudden.

The way my mom knows certain things without knowing how is probably the weirdest thing about her. I don’t mean weird-weird. It’s more like cool-weird. (Unless you’re her kid and you did something you weren’t supposed to do. Then it’s scary-weird.)

More Than A Parent.

I started writing this because my mom asked me what it’s like to be the child of an INFJ. If you’re lucky enough to be their kid, you have a lot more than just a parent.

You also have a best friend, sibling, grandparent, teacher, cheerleader, and mentor. You have someone you can trust who understands you and loves you with every fiber of their being.

The bond I have with my mom is deeper than any ocean and cannot be broken. Having her as a parent is the best thing in my life. Nothing else can even come close.

Click Here For An Excellent Description Of INFJ Nuances By Jennifer Spellicy, Of Harvard University.

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